Pro Se

An E-mail to Martinez

2006-03-17T13:39:00.000-08:00

Ok, see, these piles of complaints were funny at first. Oh, haha, we have lots of work to do now. Tee hee hee. Well, now it's gotten to the point that I just want to take this stack of complaints, throw them into a dumpster, and set it on fire. I just got another stack and the person that brings them says, "There's more coming." And, we have a new girl who started on Monday. She doesn't have anything at her desk. Granted, it's her first week. I can understand that. But, just from a psychological standpoint so I don't get up and walk out, it would be nice to have a couple of stacks of complaints reassigned to the new girl. I know it will happen eventually, or I think it will at least, but for Christ's sake! My follow up list is ridiculous as it is. I feel like walking across the street and ordering a shot of Jamison.

Welcome

2006-03-14T21:20:00.000-08:00

I stepped off the Metrolink train at Laclede's Landing around 9:15 on Sunday morning. It's the last stop before the train heads to East St. Louis. As I walk along the platform a black man mumbles something to me. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I keep walking and respond with "No thanks." I walk down the steps onto Laclede's Landing. The streets are deserted at this time of day. This is the touristy section of St. Louis with all of the touristy bars. Basically, a poor man's French Quarter. I walk about a block down and stop at a map displaying all of the bars and shops in Laclede's Landing. All of a sudden I hear that same black man shouting in the distance. "Hey, what are you looking for?" "Nothing," I replied. I started walking again to avoid this guy. Then he shouts, "Hey, man, I'm not a cop or anything!" I continue walking and not paying attention to this creepy guy. I look back and noticed he's wandered off in another direction, obviously pissed. My heart is racing a bit and I'm not sure what the hell I should expect of the rest of my venture downtown. Welcome to St. Louis.

Filling Out FAFSA

2006-03-08T19:48:00.000-08:00

It was a strange day at work. Somebody got fired for sleeping on the job. A fairly long tenured employee nonetheless by our law firm's status. About 3 years. I was somewhat surprised. I remember when I first started there and people around work were talking about how shitty it was to work at the law firm. I didn't know what they were talking about because I really didn't have any problems. I kinda liked it. But, within 6 months of being hired I realized what these people were talking about. This has to be the most stressful job I've worked at. I just hate it because there's virtually no margin for error. It's due process. So if one thing is fucked up everything else is fucked up. People get fired and you have no idea why. People quit all the time. Departments are always short handed because nobody likes the work and the pay sucks. You deal with all of this shit and you aren't compensated enough for it. The only reason I do it is because I don't want to look for another job and then have to quit it 3 months. I will hopefully retain my sanity until this summer when I get to move.

I just filled out the FAFSA application and turned it in. At the bottom of the form it said I was eligble for aid. I don't know what that means, but I'll take it. I'm not sure how much it will be, but hopefully it will be a fair amount. I was also stressing out today about how to pay for grad school. I have some money saved up, but I know for a fact it won't be enough. I'll probably be selling my car when I get to school. I can't imagine being able to afford a car and school without a job. I'm going to St. Louis on Sunday. I'm meeting with one of the faculty members on Monday. I'll also be looking at different neighborhoods for places to live. And I'll purchase a copy of the Post-Dispatch to read on the light rail trains. Good stuff. Ok, that's all for now. Good day.

The Ticket is Punched

2006-03-07T20:14:00.000-08:00

Good news, people. I have been accepted to the University of Missouri-St. Louis for graduate studies for the Fall 2006 semester. More details later.

Lost

2006-02-28T20:30:00.000-08:00

My supervisor is correct when she says I don't seem to be focusing on my work. It's true, because I don't. I feel like that in virtually all other aspects of my life. I think my biggest downfall is my lack of focus. I have motivation. I want to go on to bigger and better things, such as grad school. I want to be successful. What I've found, however, is that I lose focus after awhile. I get bored with things. And then I lose interest and focus and start thinking of better things to do. I'm like that with work. For a few months I love my job and then after a while I just get bored with coming in everyday and doing the same thing. I seriously cannot understand how some people can do the same work for 30 or 40 years. I can only wish for such consistency out of myself. My dad has somehow done it, although I guess he's moved around to different departments in his factory. I can't see myself doing that at all.

I get like this in other aspects of my life. One minute I want to look up which third baseman to pick up for my fantasy baseball team. A few minutes later, as I'm looking for a third baseman, I get bored with that and think "I should write a letter to friend in Iowa." And then, I'll start writing that and think, "I'd really like to plan a trip to visit a friend in Maryland that I'll never take" and I'll look at airfares or railfares and schedules and see when this make believe trip will never take place. And then I'll never accomplish any of the things I set out to do. So, I don't think it's necessarily a problem with motivation. There's tons of stuff I'd like to do. However, my problem is I tend to lack the focus to follow through on the things that I do. I'm three classes short of a history major. My mom was harping on me the other day to finish that out. I was like, "Ah, I already have my degree and it won't make any difference." I had set out to accomplish that, but never did. I did an internship in transportation planning and have yet to do anything in that field. Same with umpiring. I have not worked a single inning since umpire school. I laughed last year while my dentist was pulling out my wisdom teeth because I thought of something completely random. Hell, my mind has wandered many times while fooling around with girls and made me lose interest in the moment. And then I'd rather be taking a nap or looking at a map book. Now that you ladies know this, feel free to make an orderly queue to my bedroom door.

Seriously, though, I think I have a problem with a lack of focus. Today, I tried to stay focused on my work and I noticed a big difference. I actually felt like I completed more work. I've been trying to do that in other aspects of my life here and there. It's kinda tough because my mind wanders a shit ton. I'm trying to focus more during conversations. Not be as forgetful about what was just said. When I'm reading books and newspaper I'm trying to focus more so I can retain it instead of forgetting what I just read about.

I think that potential fatal flaw is somewhat repairable. I think it will take time. And possibly something to focus on that I'm interested in. And some sleep. Because that's where I'm a Viking. So, good night.

Side Note to Annual Review

2006-02-21T19:47:00.000-08:00

My manager said this was one of the hardest reviews she ever had to do because she thinks I'm really smart, talented, well-liked, full of potential and yet so unmotivated and unproductive in my work. Apparently I'm this big paradox. That made me smile. No really... I smiled when she told me that.

Annual Review

2006-02-21T19:18:00.000-08:00

I've been at my job for a year now. I don't care for my job, which really showed in my annual review today. I had a meeting with the Bobs this morning. Actually, it wasn't the Bobs, but it was two women: the HR director and my manager. But, I laughed to myself in a very critical part of the review thinking about the Bobs from Office Space. I should've been fired long ago...

Prior to the review I had to fill out a self evaluation form. Topics included: attendance, motivation, initative, sociability, productivity, etc. I was honest in my review of myself. I noted my fantastic attendance record. I've only called in sick once. Any personal time I've used is almost always scheduled in advance. I work well with others. Too well, probably. Clients, servers, co-workers... they all had favorable remarks for me according to my manager. So, those were two areas I really exceled. The rest of my review was average. I'm not as productive as my manager wants me to be. I usually get my work done for the day and that's about it. She wants me to take a leadership position and show more initiative and enthusiasm in my work. She says I'm smart and people love working with me. Which, I can see why, because I don't give a fuck about my job. Servers call me all the time with updates because they know that I'll give them all the opportunities in the world to serve somebody. Anything they can do so that I don't have to publish is fine with me, even if takes an extra week or two. When it comes to our clients, I try to be as thorough as possible when explaining problems with them. So, they must appreciate that instead of one or two sentences from other people filled with terms they are unfamiliar with. So, I'm good at some things, not so good at others. I make errors. I admit, they are stupid errors. I will also admit, I'm not all that focused at work. When you make shit pay, you're at work for 9 hours, the job is tedious, boring and stressful, and you have little to no room for moving up you're bound to fuck up. So, if it sounds like I don't really care about my job, it's because I don't. I'm basically Peter Gibbons, real life. I do just enough work to not get me fired. I come in, do my shit, sometimes poorly, socialize a bit, and then leave. Oh and I check on my stocks. That way I don't have to work so much in the future and not have to deal bullshit jobs like the one I am currently employed at.

So, you're thinking, "If he hates his job so much, why is he still there?" Good question. It all comes down to grad school or bust. Once I find out if I'm excepted to a grad school, the days will be numbered. Once I find out I'm not accepted to any grad schools, the days will not necessarily be numbered, but I sure as Hell will be making plans to get out of Milwaukee. And I hate looking for jobs. Since I plan to be out of MKE within 6 months, there's no point in finding a new job right now. I got a nice big raise out the review: $0.22. Fuck! Now I can buy that new pontoon boat I always wanted. I wasn't expecting much of a raise, seeing as the Christmas bonuses we received would have been better served as toilet paper. And my performance isn't the best, which I'll admit. But, seeing as I really don't care about my job, it doesn't matter much. Grad school, please accept me.

Hail to the Chief

2006-02-20T19:07:00.000-08:00

The president came to town today. He was visiting about two blocks from my workplace. So, I decided to check it out during lunch. It was a waste of time. When he is was coming out to his limo they made us move a block down the street and we couldn't see him. I thought that was rather stupid. Seriously, people. I can't even go and see the highest elected official in my government? Even from about 50 yards away? That's all I was asking. Just a glimpse.

Brave New World

2006-02-18T18:19:00.000-08:00

For some odd reason I feel like having soma. Anyways, I'm back. Kinda. We'll see how this goes. I haven't felt like writing much the past few months at diaryland site. But, we'll give it a shot here and see what happens.

My love life, if you can call it that, is sort of heating up. It's basically at the unthawing stage. Nobody has, to my knowledge, ever really liked me before. But then you lose 100 pounds and then all of sudden the women come crawling out of the woodwork. One of my friends that I have known for about 5 years says she really likes me and thinks we should be together. I flat out told her no and I said that I couldn't date her. I'm just not interested, I told her. Was that wrong? Should I not have said that? Was that too harsh? I always thought women wanted honesty, but apparently they don't. I told her, and I quote, "I can feed you lies or I can tell you the honest truth..." about how I feel about you. I opted to tell the truth, especially since I was buzzed. But, I would've anyways because we have had this conversation a few times before and each time I haven't budged an inch.

I'm not sure whatelse there is to say at the moment. So, I'm heading out. Good day.